JOAN!

We went to see Joan Armatrading in concert last night. Absolutely amazing. She is one of my top 3 favorite singer/songwriters. Right up there with Tracy Chapman and Gilberto Gil. Excellent show. We were in the FIRST Row!!!! I've never ever been in the first row before. She looked at me, smiled at me, sang to me, danced with me. And the techies let us take her song list at the end of the show! Amazing.

ready to retire

Why is it that people retire at 62 but not 42? I'm quite ready to retire now. Although there was a good bit of stress on my vacation, it's nothing compared to the stress of returning to work.

Good Trip, Great Boys

I really couldn't ask for better behaved EIGHT year old boys. A has been an absolute angel. Puts his dirty clothes in the basket in the laundry room, clears his plate off the table and puts it in the sink when he is done eating, asks to go pee-pee when he has to. Total pleasure. B has done a great job, too. Other than climbing up on to the glass dining room table to spin the chandelier, he has been remarkably well behaved. Yelled a handful of times. Drinks the pool water. But nothing major, no big problems. Both very lovey with my grandma, especially A. A, B and Nana were sitting together on the couch this afternoon, A really cuddling with her and interacting with her, and B right there next to them, not missing any of the action. My folks have really been good with the boys, too. I have to give my mom a lot of credit. She really has assumed responsibility for them in many ways. It's been good practice -- quite possibly for August, when maybe she'll take one of them back here for a week. And we've all been ok without T. Although I do miss his company/companionship/partnership/love, in many ways it is less stressful and calmer and less work without him at my folks house. Interesting, I wasn't really expecting it to be that way.

Nana

A bonded with his 94 year old great-grandmother today. They sat at the table together reading a train book. They counted 1-2-3-4-5 trains. They pointed at the passengers and the trees and the conductor. They had a great time. When I got ready to drive Nana home at the end of the evening, B ran to put his shoes on. He decided he was coming with us. Pressed the right buttons on the elevator. Greeted Nana's friend in the hallway (said bye instead of hi, but it was still appropriate because we were on our way out.). Very good boys.

Florida

I've told Grandma she's in charge. Today she and grandpa took the boys to Gee Whiz, the children's science museum in Sarasota, while I had a lovely afternoon with my grandmother. She told me stories of how my grandfather's mother got divorced when my grandfather was a toddler, because her husband, who was a milkman, was cheating on her. And how she and a woman friend invested $400 in stock in the 1960s and that it's worth a lot more than that now.

The boys are loving the pool. B has swallowed about half of it already. A is teaching himself to swim. He puts his face in the water and blows bubbles. And he is jumping in off the side of the pool. I know he is preparing himself for the diving board at the RM pool, which he is fascinated by.

B did just fine on the plane. A did great on his own with Grandma/pa. I'm very proud of them both.

Airplane

Next week we are flying to Florida. Grandma is here now, and is leaving on the plane with A on Tuesday. Then B and I fly down on Thursday. I'm freaking out a bit about this all. About how A is going to handle being just with Grandma and Grandpa for a couple of days. About how I am going to handle both boys without T for a whole week. This will be the longest time T and I have been apart since I was pregnant. This is one vacation I am not really looking forward to.

Anniversary

Today is our 7th wedding anniversary! We are celebrating with a dinner date tomorrow evening. A wonderful opportunity to reflect on how blessed I am with my amazing family.

A

A and his tutor are in session. Tutor points to a picture of a car taped to a whiteboard easel.
T: "What's that?"
A replies in his whisper voice, "car".
T: "point to the car" A points.
T: "write the word car" A takes the dry erase marker and writes CAR.

B

B is hooked on airborne. I don't know if what he likes is the fizz, the flavor, the color, or the cool cylinder that they come in, or a combination of all of the above, or something I'm overlooking. In any case, he found the tube in the kitchen this morning, and put one in his tea. Then he wanted another one. I told him no, he already had one, and asked him if he wanted a vitamin. "Vite" . So of course he got one. Then he tricked me to get out of the way, and grabbed the airborne tube again. This time his papa intervened. "Open". (sounds more like uhpuh, but the intent was crystal clear). T replies with "Uno" trying to get B to agree in advance to just one more. B: "Uhpuh". T tries again, "uno" and holds up one finger. B responds by holding up one finger. Gets his second fizz of the morning.

Today's Little Slice of Heaven

The Scene: Both boys in session with tutors. Door open. I approach.
Tutor to A: Who's that?
A (turning to look into my eyes): Mama
My heart absolutely melts.

Roller skates

I've spent about 2 years (very intermittenly, of course) looking for a pair of roller skates for B, on his 1st grade teachers' recommendation (I guess they had a pair at school that he liked). I hadn't been able to find a pair in his size that were not inline and not pink (my criteria, not B's). Well I finally found them, and Teacher J was right! He loves them. Has been skating around the living room in them. Started to do tricks, like putting one on and jumping off the couch -- really cool. Or putting them both on and going down the one and only stair in our entire 700 sq ft house. He's really cute about it though, finding them whereever they are, putting them on himself, and just enjoying himself. So very nice to see him just enjoying himself.

Big Brother A

We were at the little animal/berry farm on the coast yesterday, hanging out in front of the chicken pens. B is casually sticking his fingers through the holes in the chicken wire. I tell him to move his fingers out of the fence. No response. I tell him he better be careful or the chickens will eat his fingers off. A moves over to B and physically pulls his fingers out of the fence for him. Good job taking care of your bro, A!

focus

I think maybe i've developed add. I can't seem to focus on anything. It takes me forever to get anything done. Feeling very unproductive. Do you think it's age? Is this normal? It doesn't feel normal.

Ok, so back to happiness. Like this morning. B woke up really happy. He lost a wiggly tooth, and I think he was pleased with this. Also, the bedroom furniture was rearranged, and he saw a great jumping opportunity. Only thing is, he needed me to move so he wouldn't land on top of me. I'm not sure if he was being considerate of me and didn't want me to get hurt if he landed on me, or if he surmised that he'd be better off landing on the mattress than on mama (although these days, I'm probably even more squishy than the mattress). Anyway, he was just so purposeful with what he wanted, selecting a magazine from our bathroom collection to take back into bed with him after his early morning pee in the potty, arranging the covers the way he thought they should be, and later pouring himself a bowl of his current favorite cereal (peanut butter panda puffs). And happily munching away on them. Yeah. Happy. B was happy this morning. And that is a real blessing. He used to wake up crying (as T reminded me). Now he wakes up happy and purposeful and able to communicate enough and act enough to get what he wants. And he's happy. What a blessing.

Happiness

Every once in a while, not nearly often enough, I am able to totally BE in the present moment and enjoy and appreciate all my blessings. And really be happy. Sure, pieces of life are hard. Of course, I wish that my children's lives were easier. Maybe not easier, but less complicated. I don't want my children to suffer. But isn't that what all parents want? And so many parents watch their children suffer because they can't afford to feed them nutritious food, or buy them medicine when they are sick.

But I digress. I meant to write about happiness and here I am writing about suffering. I guess that's why I find it so hard to STAY in the present moment.

Happy Mothers Day!

I've discovered the perfect antidote to the mothers day blues. I'm a bit too shy to come right out and say it on my blog, but I'll give you a big hint. It involves the activity you were engaged in that made it possible for you to celebrate mothers day today.
Now, if only the kids would fall asleep.....

summer camp

So we went to visit camp crum this morning. B would definately need a 1:1, and they definately don't have 1:1 available at this point for this summer. So we will put a "sign up for summer camp" reminder in the calendar for November (when of course that is the last thing we think about in NOVEMBER), to see if we can secure 2 spots for next year. very beautiful, in the mountains, but lots of potential danger for a bolter. And I don't want to send A by himself the first time. So we'll wait. They both really liked the place though.

power of mind

I got an email yesterday, a powerpoint presentation on "The Secret: Law of Attraction" basically, what you think about, happens. If you think about good things, then good things will happen. If you htink about bad things, then bad things will happen. That our truest beliefs, our deepest thoughts, make things happen.

Do you think that's true?

Progress

Trying to Brush teeth by self (A, B)
Buttoning own pants (A mastered, B trying)
Trying to talk (A, B)
Trying new foods (B: watermelon; A: pork)
Playing with the waves at the beach (A, B)
Following directions, sitting at the table for dinner, learning to wash own bodies in the shower (A, B)
Making time to meditate (me)

VERY Special

Five years after my sons were diagnosed, I am still totally blown out of the water. I suspect I never really left the denial stage, haven't yet made it to the acceptance stage. At first I willfully opposed the entire concept of acceptance, as it felt too much like quitting. Rather than accept they had autism, I wanted to cure them of autism. And thus spent the first year full steam ahead, learning as much as I could about mercury, methylation, peptides, opioids, EFAs, ABA, apraxia, proprioception, due process, IDEA, FAPE, and the like. When we reached the magic milestone of 5 years of age, and it was clear that early intervention did not equate with "cure" in our case, I began groping again for a theory, a vision, that could pull me through. By the time the boys turned six, I had pretty much settled on:

Fully accept and love both A and B exactly as they are today. Believe that anything is possible in the future. Do whatever I can to help them reach their fullest potential, whatever that may be.

This, combined with my overall worldview of:

Fight injustice whereever it may be found. Work towards system change. Each of us can make a difference. Accept personal responsibility for making the world a better place.

has lead be to where I am today.

So why does it hit me like a ton of bricks when the special needs summer sleepaway camp coordinator calls me to say that she has reviewed my applications for the boys, and despite our initial phone conversation she now feels like my children need more support than their camp can offer right now. This is a FUCKING SPECIAL NEEDS summer camp. That's all they serve is kids with special needs. I'm not fighting to get my kids included in a typical summer camp. I'm aware that we couldn't handle that. But this is supposed to be for kids with special needs. WE ARE JUST TOOOO FUCKING SPECIAL.

What a hit. I'm still trying to recover from it.