Thirsty?

Then just dip your hand into the toilet bowl and scoop yourself out some water to drink, yum! Even better if Brother A was the last one to use the toilet, because then you have a 50% chance of getting some pee mixed in with your water. Gives a whole new meaning to mixed drink.

I thought my youngest son had outgrown the toilet bowl drinking habit already. Guess I was wrong.....

Priorities and Motivation

for me and my kids. Sometimes I think that B is the biggest procrastinator in the world (like in the morning when it is time to get dressed but he wants to watch the train video or line up my earring collection). But then I think of myself, and how it takes me forever to get some relatively straightforward tasks done and how I invent these other priorities (like writing in my blog, or better yet, reading your blog) instead of doing what needs to be done (signing my kids up for summer camp, calling back the doctor, filing my taxes - ok, I squeaked in at the last minute for that one).

Spring Resolutions

Rules to live by:
Be intentional.
Prioritize.
Live in the present moment.
Think kind thoughts about others.
Think before talking.

Short term goals:
Generate creative energy.
Connect with people who inspire and energize me.
Don't be afraid to take on an occasional challenge.
Don't take on too many challenges at the same time.
Seek support.

BEACH

Cold breeze, bright sun, Pacific waves, and my two beautiful boys playing in the surf. Fear overcome. Frigid waters ignored. Watchful of the big waves. Splashing, jumping, huge smiles on their faces. Such a beautiful day that grandma and I decided to pretend it was mothers day.

Spring Crisis

So I'm starting to notice a springtime crisis pattern. I think it's the confluence of work-related stress (triggered by the end-and-then-beginning of my program's fiscal year budget), tax season, iep season, and usually exacerbated by a trip to florida.

Connected

I really connected with B this evening. T and A had already gone to bed (T was asleep, A was waiting on the top bunk to make sure that B would lie down in the bottom bunk). B had started to tear up a bit on the couch, not a meltdown, just a sadness, which happens to him from time to time, in a way that makes me wonder if he is reflecting on a sad emotion, on a really profound insight on the world and his own life, or if he has gas or maybe constipation. Or a combination of all that. Anyway, then he started going through the kitchen cabinets in a very purposeful way, and comes to the table with an unopened large plastic bottle of V8 like juice (which he has always rejected up to this point) and a wine glass (his beverage recipient of choice, and please don't try to offer him the plastic alternative in the same shape, only glass will do). I ask him if he wants me to open the juice, and he approximates open, so I do. He tries to pour but the bottle is big, full and heavy and his glass is thin and breakable, and the liquid is red, so I intervene and pour for him, just a 1/3 glass since I think he won't like it. He starts to drink, makes a bit of a face, but finishes his glass eventually. Then he wants more, so I pour him another 1/3 glass, and he protests, so I pour him a tiny bit more and tell him it's a lot (it is already 9pm and we try to avoid letting him have too much liquid at bedtime since until a few months ago bedwetting was a regular occurance). But he protests again and very clearly wants more, so I pour him a very full glass and he is happy. Does he really want that much juice, or is it just visually appealing to watch the thick red liquid fill up the pretty wine glass? But eventually he drinks it all. Meanwhile, he comes over to my chair, puts his arm around me and gives me a kiss. Then he spends some time peering into my mouth, exploring my teeth and tongue. What a little guy. He has so much going on inside his head, and there is so little of that that I really manage to understand. I think I need to try understanding much harder. My sweet boy.

Out to lunch

My family went out to lunch today. All four of us. After esoccer. To a restaurant that does not sport golden arches. We ate frenchfries (A) and Steak (B) and generally behaved very well. No scenes. We all got to finish our meals. We weren't the ones feeding the ducks, but we enjoyed watching them run after the bread that the neighboring diners were throwing to them.

Ah, small miracles.

Gilberto Gil

Wow, what an amazing concert on Wed. night! So spiritual, moving, touched me deep to my soul. Made me consider culture in a whole new way. Powerful messages with equally powerful delivery.

Failure

I had the opportunity to look failure in the face this past week. Tore part of my soul out I believe. Raised a lot of issues for me regarding ethics, value, communication, and ability. In the end I was able to conclude that I hadn't really failed. Or at least that the failure wasn't 100% attributable to me. But in the process I self-learned that I have A LOT of issues with my own failure. I have a really hard time accepting the fact that I may not be successful in something that I attempt. That I may fail in something that I attempt and try really hard to achieve. I may fail even though I try my best. That terrifies me. I may fail even though I try my best. I think that is the heart of my terror. I think that is a lesson that I really need to learn. That even though I try my best I may fail. And that's ok.

balance

i think i need to spend less time worried and stressed out over my children's futures and more time enjoying the present moment with them.

super stress

super stressed out by work right now. specifically with a miscommunication, probably series of miscommunications, with a colleague who i am charged with supervising. we spend a lot of time describing the two different sides of the same coin without agreeing that we are both looking at the same coin. things came to a head on friday afternoon -- i'm not 100% sure how we came to 2 very different conclusions at the end of the same conversation -- and i think she may be ready to resign. this is exactly the sort of thing that triggers my stress levels and keeps me up at 3am in tears and frustration. not exactly a healthy response.

proud

B is snuggled up on the couch with his papa right now, both are watching the featherweight boxing tournament of the Caribbean. Both equally absorbed. A already brushed his teeth and went to bed when it became clear that he lost the Thomas v Boxing battle.

A wrote his name by himself yesterday. He was doing his homework, letter coyping worksheets, and I asked him to write his name without giving him any visual prompts. Just, write your name x x x x. And he did. Beautifully. I'm so proud.

Question

If our children were to find life partners one day, wouldn't we want their life partner to understand and accomodate their disabilities instead of getting so frustrated by them and/or resenting the manifestations of the disabilities?

So why then do I find it so hard to do the same with my partner?

*** The only person I can ever change is myself***

migraine headaches

possible triggers:
* alcohol
* stress at work
* not enough sleep
* stress at home
* not eating well
* combination of stress at home and work
* not drinking enough water
* not taking enough time for myself
* stress

things i need to do

1. Get A new eyeglasses
2. Make dentist appointments for both boys and myself
3. pay bills
4. do taxes.
5. figure out next ieps
6. review home program notebooks
7. wash kitchen floor
8. get a massage

OCD

is driving me crazy!

Honeymoon

Back from our first ever night together away from the kids. It was really fun!!!! We went to the Jackson Rancheria Hotel and Casino (!) to see Steppenwolf on their final 4oth anniversary tour. Spent the night there. Went to a casino for our first (T) or first-since-turning-21-and-not-getting-kicked-out (S) time, but were too overwhelmed by the smoke, noise, crowd, unfamiliarity of the whole situation, and stupidness of putting money in a machine just to push a button a few times, and eventually just lose the money. The concert was great, though, I enjoyed it much more than I expected too, in part because we were in the fourth row and could actually see John Kay's facial expressions as he sang. We also ran into one of the boys' aides from preschool there! On the way back we stopped in a really cute town called Sutter Creek, wandered into some art and antique stores (places we could never dream of walking into with the kids), chatted over coffee, stopped at the Chocolate Factory and again at the Tracy Outlets (As we are driving in the car, I'm trying to explain to T about the Outlet stores, sabes los almacenes donde todo es mas barato, and he says, como los "outlets"?. The selectiveness of his English vocabulary never fails to amaze me.
Meanwhile, grandma and grandpa held down the fort at home, taking B bowling (!) and out to lunch (!), getting A off to school just fine, getting everyone in bed and asleep by 10pm with no jumping, and left me wondering why we waited 8 years to try this....

Will

I don't have a will. It's just one of the many things that still hasn't made it to the top of my priority list. But if by some fluke both my husband and I should die in a car crash or something, I want my parents to take care of my kids. And I want you all to tell them everything they need to know so they can do it.
Thanks.

confronting my own prejudices

I want to challenge myself to confront my own prejudices. The Captain showed me a blow-me-over video by a woman with autism, and a couple of websites written by people with autism, that really has me thinking alot about the assumptions that I make regarding people with disabilities. I make assumptions based on what I see or what I believe about categories of people that can be totally off base and of course disrepectful. I think the big lesson for me is don't assume.

Age-ism is another issue that I need to work on.

Taking responsibility

Owning up to the things I mess up. Saying, I should have done that, but I didn't. Or, I'm sorry for doing xyz. Sometimes it really makes a difference.