STRESS

IEP tomorrow for A. Major stress. So much pressure to get my kid the services he needs in order to learn. And it is all in my hands, it all depends on me and my ability to negotiate.

RELAX

I got a massage today. It was a gift from Squid. For no other earthly reason than that she is an extraordinarily generous woman. For months now, I've been savoring the knowledge that any time I want I could go get a massage. I decided it was the perfect way to kick off Mothers Day Weekend (which usually is a bittersweet more-sad-than-happy occassion for me). And now I am incredibly relaxed. The massage therapist loosened all the knots in my back and feet ("wow, you sure carry a lot of tension here" she exclaimed at one point). Used lavender oil and some therapeutic ointment that warmed up my back. Aahhhhh.....

Treat

While finishing up a lovely lunch date with one of my favorite people in the world, we coincidently run into first one, and then immediately another, of my favorite people. As an added bonus, this final friend had in her minivan the shortest-cutest-roundestcheeked person who ever spoke in complete sentences. So then of course we had to all go get coffee and what the shortest-cutest-roundestcheeked person refers to as macaroons, but as far as I can tell are cookies. Mmmmm.

What a blessing to have such great friends.

Here's what I've learned this past month:
* bones break
* I'm not good at planning events
* I get stressed out when I have too much going on
* Sometimes, usually, talking about stuff doesn't make me feel better.
* I have really amazing friends
* I need to organize my time, things, energy, activities, etc. better
* My memory sucks

Namaste

Our mission on this earth is to find bliss, or grace as my friend jennyalice says, by loving and accepting ourselves and each other in our imperfectness.

crossing midline

Today I saw A cross his legs to put on his socks. That's the first time I've noticed him doing it that way.

Full Time?

I really don't know how the full time moms out there do it. I've just put in 8 hours solo with my two, and I'm ready to go bonkers. I even had adult company for part of it!

Give me a call if you want to slip away and go to the movies or something this evening. I believe I've earned some down time.

Lunch Date

The school where T works is about 6 blocks away from where I work. Even so, we don't usually see each other during the work day, due to busy schedules and lots of work. Today I called him at noon and invited him to lunch. Can we go at 1:30? he asked. I can't get away until then." "That's fine." I said. Then I heard some hesitation in his voice, and asked what was up. "Well, if I go out to lunch with you, I won't be able to go home on my lunchbreak like I usually do, to straighten up the house, vacuum, and start on today's laundry." I couldn't help but smile. "That's ok, honey, I'll take care of it. Let's have lunch together. Pick me up at 1:30pm."

btw, we went to a relatively new middle eastern place on b'way right by the train track crossing -- allyoucaneat lunch buffet was lovely. We thought we might even be able to take the kids there during spring break, since they'd be so highly entertained by all the trains right outside the windows.

Random thoughts that are floating around in my head:

* Family. How I define it. What it feels like to me. Where I got these funky notions from. What I want my family to feel like. How I define family. (Context: Mom met stepson. Good visit. Raised a lot of internal thoughts for me).

* Being 17. In general, I think that was a great year. But when I try to remember specifics, they are all sticky, bittersweet, hard.

* Friendship. Am I so paranoid that my pre-diagnosis friends will ditch me now that I don't put enough effort into maintaining those relationships? (context: really nice visit from a long-ago friend and her kids who were super sweet).

* Gratitude. Trying to focus on it.

* Meditation. How to prioritize my practice. Make it happen.

overwhelming

Some days, everything seems overwhelming. Today is one of those days.

today's scare

B escaped today. The padlock on our front door wasn't fully secured, so while I was in the bathroom this morning he managed to take it off, and run down to the major street that is 5 houses away. I walk out of the bathroom and see A standing by the open front door laughing. That's the giveaway. I look outside, no B in sight. Walk out to the driveway, there he is heading towards traffic filled street, full speed ahead. I run after him, shouting for him to stop. I kick off my slippers, which are slowing me down. I still can't catch up to him, he's getting further away. Turned the corner. Still on the sidewalk, heading for the intersection with the traffic light. Suddenly, he stops in front of the apartment complex on the corner, and heaves the padlock over the fence, towards the swimming pool. I'm close now, and he stays still. Lets me grab him. Knows he pushed the envelop a bit too far. We walk back to the house, iron grip the whole way. Sit down on the couch for an 8 minute time out. I tell him it's not ok to leave the house without mami; he has to stop when I say stop. Say "I'm sorry Mami" ... "Um muma mumi" "B, you need to be a good boy" "Guh buh".

I need to figure out how to get protective care services for that kid, before tragedy strikes for real.

Hair Pulling

I've been thinking alot about the expression "pulling my hair out". It's the kind of thing one would say when frustrated, when one can't quite get it right even though one is trying hard. I wonder if that is what A is feeling, since he's now pulled out a 2 inch x 1 inch triangular segment of his hair, on his left side (he is a lefty). Although honestly at this point I see him do it as a stim, unconsciously, not at moments of peak frustration (and relatively speaking, he tends to be less frustrated than his close relatives). Having him wear gloves helps. Except at meal time, when that gets messy. Although I had him wear a rubber glove at dinner last night, when he started pulling out his hair. Such a sweet kid, he always asks permission before taking the glove off. So today, T took A (and G) for haircuts. We are hoping that the less hair he has, the less he'll pull at it. We'll see. I thought that the bald patch would be less noticeable with really short hair, but I was wrong. G looks really cute with his haircut, but he doesn't like it, he thinks it's too short.

Peas Update

Another first for B: this morning, he was eating his crunchy peas from a little plastic bag (the plastic box they came in has long since moved on). After he was all ready for the schoolbus to arrive, he picked up his snack bag, and put it in his backpack himself! He has never taken this kind of initiative, to pack a treat for himself to have for later.

whirled peas

Last night, B ate a "vegetable" voluntarily for the first time ever. I have to put the word in quotation marks because they are those dried, salted peas that come in a plastic box and probably have no nutritional value whatsoever. Nonetheless, I felt it deserved documentation. BTW, he likes the plastic box MORE than the peas themselves, but he still does pop the peas in his mouth. Salty and crunchy, and slightly resembling the texture of sand pebbles dissolving in the mouth (which he adores!).

a bit of wisdom from my comadre

mistakes are perfection

worried

I'm a little worried about A. He is really slow and spacey and stimmy. And stressed out. And we are stressing him out more when we try to get him to hurry up. It's getting harder now that school has started up again, and he can no longer spend 2 hours eating breakfast. I'm not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

High School

We've almost completed the high school registration process for G, and he should be starting classes on Monday. Our biggest obstacle is proving that he has already had chicken pox so he doesn't have to get an unnecessary vaccine. G is nervous, but like the guidance counseler says, every day will be better than the first day.

Loving Kindness

I almost forgot to document my one and only New Years Resolution for 2008. Practice loving kindness. All the time. Towards all.

Happy New Year!

We've been having a great stay-at-home vacation this year. Stay-at-home in the sense that we didn't go out of town. We've been going places every day, today A, G and I went to J-town for lunch with A and B's godmother. A loved the fountains with multiple sources of water flowing over different sized rocks. G loved the Japanese videos and mangas. I loved seeing my comadre and feeling like a family. I'm not quite sure why having G with us makes us feel more like a family. Well, (I guess this is exactly the kind of reflection that blogging is destined to inspire) I suppose it makes a huge difference to have an offspring who is not moderately to severely affected by autism. Someone to show things to, share things with, hang out with, interact with. Usually when I am out with my boys I am holding a one-ended conversation, a running commentary of what we are doing and seeing, and what will come next. It's nice, for a change, to have someone comment back, ask a question, offer a suggestion. And I love the way G interacts with A and B. He is loving and accepting, nonjudgmental. (Or at least smart enough to keep any negative comments a long way from my ears. But I really think I'm right about the nonjudgmental part.) And it is really nice to have an extra person in the house - I find that I check myself more frequently and don't yell as much at the boys, and for that I am grateful. And very happy. Yeah, I am very happy. I hope you are too. Happy New Year.

Just what we needed

Who knew? An older brother is the greatest thing since sliced gluten free bread! He catches up with B when he bolts, puts his arm over A's shoulder so he doesn't lag behind, cleans up after himself, and gets us up to date on the latest technology. It's the greatest!

We went bowling today. We all really suck, but we had a great time. B only bolted down the alley once.

Yesterday we rode the commuter train. Pretty exciting! To the shopping center and back. Lunch at the burger joint. A and B remarkabley well behaved!