Overwhelmed Again

Or maybe still. The trigger: upcoming ieps. Guilt that I've let A. stay in a bad placement all year, without working hard enough to make it better. Unsure that things will improve next year. Scared about the future. Other triggers: B's health issues. Haven't started serious detox yet b/c of elimination issues. Can't seem to get back on track with the suppl's. I feel like I have more issues with task completion than my kids do! I can't seem to focus, finish. Depressed, I guess. Treating it with alcohol. not wise. Getting through the day to day, but not accomplishing anything. And when anything gets out of whack, boom, everything gets out of whack. No wiggle room. Not sure how to break the cycle. Take a break from work? Maybe... Could we swing it financially? Maybe if I can figure out fmla and T gets this new job...

Mother's Day

Started off the day good, ended the day good, but had a few rough spots in the middle. I tend to get a little sad on Mother's Day. I guess I get stuck on how much nicer it would be to spend Mother's Day in Italy instead of Holland.

We had a beautiful afternoon/evening on the beach. I am so proud of B. He tries so hard to overcome his fears (of which he has many). Last time we went to the beach, T made the boys go to the waters end. This time, as soon as we got there, B. grabbed T's hand and led him right to water's edge. And stuck his foot in all by himself! Just to do it. To prove to himself that he could. And he paid super close attention to the waves the entire time, judging how far up the shore the water would come, when he needed to run back up the shore, when he could stay where he was, when it was safe to put his foot in quickly, and when the next wave was coming too quickly. It was really beautiful. At one point, B was paying more attention than T, who wound up getting wetter than he would have liked! A great end to Mother's Day.

"coincidences"

Are coincidences really coincidences
or are they one of the ways that the spirits and powers that be help push us in the right direction?
I ran into Amiga's friend and Boxcar maker extraordinaire twice during the past week, while I was hiking and waterplaying with A (B stayed home with his papa, where both of them seem happiest these days). Maybe A and L will become friends.

random thoughts today

Contradictions
Between what I imagine my life's mission to be
And how I actually prioritize my time and energy

The gap between theory and practice

Integrity

Envision the big picture, longterm solution
Act step by step
Strategize like a chess player to make all the pieces fall into place
at exactly the right time
Yet be present in each moment