Now that I live with christians and get to celebrate christmas every year, I've decided to write you my first letter. You won't be passing over my house, since we don't have either a mazzuzzuh or lamb's blood smeared by the door. So what I'd really like for christmas this year is patience. I need a lot of it, and mine always slips away just when I need it most. So please slide a large dose of patience down my chimney. Oh right, we don't have a chimney, so just leave it under the tree. By the way, our christmas tree is outside, next to the driveway, planted in our yard several januarys ago, since we don't see any sense killing an evergreen tree every year.
Thanks, Santa. You're the greatest!