Out to lunch

My family went out to lunch today. All four of us. After esoccer. To a restaurant that does not sport golden arches. We ate frenchfries (A) and Steak (B) and generally behaved very well. No scenes. We all got to finish our meals. We weren't the ones feeding the ducks, but we enjoyed watching them run after the bread that the neighboring diners were throwing to them.

Ah, small miracles.

Gilberto Gil

Wow, what an amazing concert on Wed. night! So spiritual, moving, touched me deep to my soul. Made me consider culture in a whole new way. Powerful messages with equally powerful delivery.

Failure

I had the opportunity to look failure in the face this past week. Tore part of my soul out I believe. Raised a lot of issues for me regarding ethics, value, communication, and ability. In the end I was able to conclude that I hadn't really failed. Or at least that the failure wasn't 100% attributable to me. But in the process I self-learned that I have A LOT of issues with my own failure. I have a really hard time accepting the fact that I may not be successful in something that I attempt. That I may fail in something that I attempt and try really hard to achieve. I may fail even though I try my best. That terrifies me. I may fail even though I try my best. I think that is the heart of my terror. I think that is a lesson that I really need to learn. That even though I try my best I may fail. And that's ok.

balance

i think i need to spend less time worried and stressed out over my children's futures and more time enjoying the present moment with them.

super stress

super stressed out by work right now. specifically with a miscommunication, probably series of miscommunications, with a colleague who i am charged with supervising. we spend a lot of time describing the two different sides of the same coin without agreeing that we are both looking at the same coin. things came to a head on friday afternoon -- i'm not 100% sure how we came to 2 very different conclusions at the end of the same conversation -- and i think she may be ready to resign. this is exactly the sort of thing that triggers my stress levels and keeps me up at 3am in tears and frustration. not exactly a healthy response.

proud

B is snuggled up on the couch with his papa right now, both are watching the featherweight boxing tournament of the Caribbean. Both equally absorbed. A already brushed his teeth and went to bed when it became clear that he lost the Thomas v Boxing battle.

A wrote his name by himself yesterday. He was doing his homework, letter coyping worksheets, and I asked him to write his name without giving him any visual prompts. Just, write your name x x x x. And he did. Beautifully. I'm so proud.

Question

If our children were to find life partners one day, wouldn't we want their life partner to understand and accomodate their disabilities instead of getting so frustrated by them and/or resenting the manifestations of the disabilities?

So why then do I find it so hard to do the same with my partner?

*** The only person I can ever change is myself***

migraine headaches

possible triggers:
* alcohol
* stress at work
* not enough sleep
* stress at home
* not eating well
* combination of stress at home and work
* not drinking enough water
* not taking enough time for myself
* stress

things i need to do

1. Get A new eyeglasses
2. Make dentist appointments for both boys and myself
3. pay bills
4. do taxes.
5. figure out next ieps
6. review home program notebooks
7. wash kitchen floor
8. get a massage

OCD

is driving me crazy!

Honeymoon

Back from our first ever night together away from the kids. It was really fun!!!! We went to the Jackson Rancheria Hotel and Casino (!) to see Steppenwolf on their final 4oth anniversary tour. Spent the night there. Went to a casino for our first (T) or first-since-turning-21-and-not-getting-kicked-out (S) time, but were too overwhelmed by the smoke, noise, crowd, unfamiliarity of the whole situation, and stupidness of putting money in a machine just to push a button a few times, and eventually just lose the money. The concert was great, though, I enjoyed it much more than I expected too, in part because we were in the fourth row and could actually see John Kay's facial expressions as he sang. We also ran into one of the boys' aides from preschool there! On the way back we stopped in a really cute town called Sutter Creek, wandered into some art and antique stores (places we could never dream of walking into with the kids), chatted over coffee, stopped at the Chocolate Factory and again at the Tracy Outlets (As we are driving in the car, I'm trying to explain to T about the Outlet stores, sabes los almacenes donde todo es mas barato, and he says, como los "outlets"?. The selectiveness of his English vocabulary never fails to amaze me.
Meanwhile, grandma and grandpa held down the fort at home, taking B bowling (!) and out to lunch (!), getting A off to school just fine, getting everyone in bed and asleep by 10pm with no jumping, and left me wondering why we waited 8 years to try this....

Will

I don't have a will. It's just one of the many things that still hasn't made it to the top of my priority list. But if by some fluke both my husband and I should die in a car crash or something, I want my parents to take care of my kids. And I want you all to tell them everything they need to know so they can do it.
Thanks.

confronting my own prejudices

I want to challenge myself to confront my own prejudices. The Captain showed me a blow-me-over video by a woman with autism, and a couple of websites written by people with autism, that really has me thinking alot about the assumptions that I make regarding people with disabilities. I make assumptions based on what I see or what I believe about categories of people that can be totally off base and of course disrepectful. I think the big lesson for me is don't assume.

Age-ism is another issue that I need to work on.

Taking responsibility

Owning up to the things I mess up. Saying, I should have done that, but I didn't. Or, I'm sorry for doing xyz. Sometimes it really makes a difference.

socks

Tonight, after his shower, when he was putting on his pjs, A realized something was missing and made a spontaneous verbal request.
Socks.


Amazing.

e-soccer

Today was the first day of the e-soccer season. I was very proud of all 3 of us. Of me for being brave enough to take the 2 of them. Of A for sticking through it the whole time, although in the past he's been apprehensive about the whole thing. And of B for only bolting 3 times, and always towards me, never towards the street. Coach J literally did a double-take when he saw me walk up with both A and B, since he's never met A before, only B. I swear I saw his jaw drop. Assistant coaches David and Justin were just amazing with B and A, despite the fact that - or perhaps because -- they themselves are still teenagers.

A New Year

I had a hard time deciding if I should first go back and see what my last year's resolutions were or first write this year's resolutions. I think I'll start with this year's, and then go back and check.

1. Patience. This is an ongoing resolution for me. I am definately more patient than I've been, and not as patient as I need to be. Probably will always be the case. The important thing, I think, is to keep working on it.

2. Appreciating what I have. This includes being grateful for my partner and my children, my whole family, my friends and support network. Also appreciating all of the material blessings that we have, including a roof over our heads, plenty of healthy food, running water and electricity ALL THE TIME, employment, and all the basics.

3. Let things go. Don't let all the little annoying things that happen hundreds of times a day bother me. Recognize that I control how I feel about things, I can be annoyed, or I can let it go. I can always choose to let it go.

4. Think positive. Dwell on what I DO want to happen, not on what I DONT want to happen. Focus on what is good, not what is bad.

RVing

I just made reservations for our upcoming RV trip. We are leaving this Saturday, heading south to the beach for 5 days. Now its time to start making my lists of what to pack, what to buy, what to cook and freeze to bring with us, etc etc.... I hope the nights are not tooo cold in the rv. Other than that, it'll be a blast.

present moment

in this moment, I am so grateful for you. For your existence. for your support. thank you. read the purple goddess entryn on squid's blog about the movie about secrets. stay focussed. stay present. stay happy. you can do it. you can. really. iloveyou. really i do.

be strong. be real. stay focussed. believe

BELIEVE

THAT IS THE KEY

BELIEVE

tricky balance

Walking that fine line between being totally overwhelmed and understanding that I'm doing the best I can in this moment with these circumstances. I keep tilting back into overwhelmed as I can't quite disregard my self-expectation to be the best at what I try to do.