The power of our intentions

Do our intentions contribute to our reality?
Can I make something happen by believing that it will?
If I stay present, focussed and calm, can I affect another's energy level?
Can I expand my energy field?

BELIEVE.

Off to Long Beach

So I'm off tomorrow to Long Beach for the DAN! Conference. It will be the longest time away from my boys. My folks will be in town and I'm not sure if that will make things more or less stressful. I'm really glad I decided to go, though. I'm positive I will learn a lot and hopefully help me to take the next steps with biomedical treatments for A and B. I need to learn more about the pros and cons of detoxification, the risks and the benefits, to be certain we're making the right decision. And figure out what needs to be in place before we go there.

I'll be sharing a hotel room with another mom who I've only e-met. I'm hoping she'll be relaxed and things will work out nicely. I spoke with another mom who may join us there, except her family is moving this weekend, she has 4 kids, including an 11 yr old with ASD, ... That conversation sure helped put things in perspective for me.

I'm as quirky as my kids, I'm afraid

So, for months I've been thinking about going to the DAN! Conference in Long Beach, on biomedical treatments for autism. It's next weekend. I haven't registered, haven't made plane or hotel reservations, havent done anything to make it happen. I'm not sure why (not). Part of me is afraid to be overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of information. Part of me is afraid to be overwhelmed by all the other parents who know more, do more, have more success with their children, ..... But I know it will be really good information, I know I'll be motivated to do more, prepared to do more. What am I waiting for?

Pumpkins

Okay, so I spent more quality time with the goats than with my friends and soulmates. Still, it was reassuring to know that if one of my sons escaped to the far end of the pumpkin patch, or released all the hungry goats from their petting zoo pen, perhaps another SuperMama would be there to make things right. Maybe it is just a bit too ambitious to expect to have an actual conversation when the tribe of quirky kids (accompanied by their quirky parents) gets together. Great fun, though. B. would have spent all his time with the family who owned the place, behind the counter, where he kept wandering every time I turned my back. He kissed one of the daughters on the cheek as she was sitting behind the counter! Maybe when the kids are older we'll purchase some land and open a pumpkin patch of our own.

Ironic Chains

I spent the entire day at a conference learning about the SCERTS Model, (Social Communication, Emotional Regulation, Transactional Supports). When I get home, T. tells me that Tutor S. didn't come to work with B, and he didn't have the energy to try to pack both boys up in the car to take A. to his OT appt. I decide to check my work messages at around 7pm, and learn that Tutor S. called my work # at 9am to tell me that she has pink eye, and won't be coming to session with the boys this afternoon. She says in the message, "Call me to let me know you got this message." So, I call her at 7pm to let her know that just now I heard her message, and to see if she is coming tomorrow. Nope. She made NO EFFORT to either 1) find a sub for her session today or 2) notify M. that she was not coming in. Just no show. And despite the fact that I did not call to confirm receipt of her msg, she didn't bother to leave a msg at the house for T. And what's this about T. not having the energy to take A to his OT session? What, you mean maybe b/c he was up till passed midnight watching Netflix dvds? Pretty valid reason for not feeling like driving your kid to the therapy session that he needs. FUCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!

BTW, the Transactional Supports I spent the day learning about refers to the support that the professionals are supposed to be providing to the child and the entire family so we can cope better.

Sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of my rope with no where to turn.....

First Day

My baby started his first day of first grade at his new school today. I was an anxious mama as I sent him off this morning on the school bus. His teacher seems really good, very experienced, organized, knowledgeable, and caring. She called me last week to ask what Benji's favorite foods and activities are, so that she would have everything ready for him on the first day of school. I'm hoping this will be a good year for him. And I am praying to the spirits and the goddess that this may be a breakthrough year for him, so he can take the next big leap forward.

Buddhism and Autism

I was reading about this really interesting connection between Buddhism and autism. I reflect on how mindful B is, how deliberate, how he really focusses on one thing at a time. How he is able to disconnect from the mundane in this world, and concentrate his attention, on a leaf, on a string, on the shadows, on the telephone wires... Perhaps he is not stimming, maybe he is deep in meditation. Maybe he is an enlightened one. Blessing us with his presence here on earth, teaching us deep and profound lessons, to live in the moment. Appreciate what is there. Clear our minds of extraneous thoughts.

These are a few of the very sad things

• seeing my children totally alienated from their peers at recess time.
• seeing the 1:1 behaviorial therapist hired and trained to help my children achieve their IEP objectives of improving social skills and appropriate peer interaction, as she facilitates the other children playing red rover on the playground, while A and B continue to be completely alienated and nonparticipative.
• that I don't have the courage, knowledge, no-how, skills, will to change this.
• that no matter how hard i try, i can't get it right for them.

Gratitude

I am grateful that both my children are alive.
They are not in pain.
I am grateful that we have a roof over our heads.
We are able to buy healthy, nutritious food to eat.
Our home has running water and electricity.
We live in a safe neighborhood, where we do not fear violence or disease on a daily basis.
I am grateful that I have a job that allows me to provide for my family.
I am grateful that I have been well educated, that I have the skills and resources I need to take care of myself and my family.
I am grateful for my physical and mental health.
I am grateful for my partner, compañero, parceiro, spouse, who takes care of me, of the children, of our home.
I am grateful for my support network, for the resources we are able to access for the boys, for the love and support I receive from my friends and family.
I am grateful that I have been blessed with two beautiful children who are teaching me so much about what is important in life.
I am grateful.

If you don't understand my silence, how will you understand my words?

the lives we live

I saw an old, old woman in the face of my oldest son tonight. Was it my grandmother's oldest sister? Was it her mother? What are the lessons she is coming back to teach me? When they were born I thought that my youngest was sooo old and wise, that he was coming back to us after having lived many many lives. My oldest seemed so innocent, ingenue, at birth.

Spirits that be, please grant me the patience and the wisdom to learn the lessons they have to teach me, and to teach the lessons they have come to me to learn.

Birth Day

Six years
Have the last three been harder than the first three?
Easier?
Better to know, or not to know?

To Know.
To address the issues.
Learn.
Support the strengths.
Build on them.
Use visual supports.
Address the deficits.
Clarify expectations.
Don't blame -- them or me.
Calm down.
Breathe deeply.

Six years.
Time to celebrate the progress.
Celebrate them, celebrate us.
Be grateful for our resources, our knowledge, our support networks.
Don't fear the future.
Embrace the present.
Calm down.
Breathe deeply.
Be.

assessment soundbites

diagnosis of autism and mental retardation
moderate, communication deficits are more severe
focus on functional skills
self-help skills for daily living
sorting silverware, putting away laundry, setting the table
mental equivalent of a 23 month old
will never catch up to his peers

they're not even talking about cutting with fiscars
or coloring in a picture
or recognizing his name in print

By not accepting this bleak assessment of my son's current and future abilities
Am I being in denial
Or is the ongoing search for a cure my responsibility and obligation as his mama?
Why was I blessed with this double challenge if not to do everything humanly possible to help my children and other children who have been poisoned, possibly genetically altered, by the toxic environment in which we breathe, grow our food, conceive our babies, contaminate our vaccines, and allow our government to continue to hide the facts?

Imagine ... And you will be ...

Imagine a woman who balances her life as mother, worker, lover, friend, self.
A woman who devotes precious time and energy to develop her full being.
Who is always true to her own self.

Imagine a woman who defines her own priorities.
A woman who understands the importance of taking care of her mind, her body, her spirit.
Who lives in the present moment.

Imagine a woman who sometimes chooses the more difficult path.
A woman who is willing to give of herself in order to benefit others.
Who is able to give and to receive unconditional love.

Imagine a woman who believes in herself.
A woman who trusts her instincts and her intuition.
Who reflects on the messages received from dreams and visions.

Imagine a woman who loves her children.
A woman who protects her loved ones with the fierceness of a lioness.
Who releases her precious ones so they can soar with wings of an eagle.

Imagine a woman who has the wisdom to forgive.
A woman who is able to let go of the little things that don't matter.
Who focusses her energy on what is truly relevant.

Imagine a woman who is whole.
A woman who nutures others and is open to receive support for herself.
Who is grateful for the gift of life.

Imagine... and you will be...

Imagine a Woman

by Patricia Lynn Reilly

Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is woman.
A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who believes she is good.
A woman who trusts and respects herself.
Who listens to her needs and desires, and meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past.
Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf.
Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and to her wisest voice.

Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
Who designs her own spirituality and allows it to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
Who celebrates her body and its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imgaine a woman who honors the face of the Goddess in her changing face.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
Who refuses to use her precious life energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine yourself as this woman.

Daily Reflection

Every day, think as you wake up, today
I am fortunate to have woken up.
I am alive.
I have a precious human life,
I am not going to waste it.
I am going to use all my energies to develop myself.
To expand my heart out to others,
To achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings.
I am going to have kind thoughts towards others.
I am not going to get angry, or think badly about others.
I am going to benefit others as much as I can.

- H.H. The XIVth Dalai Lama